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FYRE FESTIVAL 2: COMING TO RYE

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FYRE FESTIVAL 2: COMING TO RYE

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Fyre Festival, the greatest party to never occur is looking to shed its fraudulent history and make a splash with its second iteration. The biggest concert fraud in US history was supposed to take place on Norman’s Cay (a private island in the Bahamas, once owned by Pablo Escobar) over two spring weekends in 2017. Billy McFarland, the promoter, promised ticket holders a luxury music festival experience that would make Coachella look like a monster truck rally in Cleveland.

Yachts were to take attendees from Nassau to this private island where they would be greeted by VIP Concierge hostesses who would escort you to eco-friendly bungalows. Celebrity chefs would be on hand to provide Michelin 3 star cuisine to the partygoers while they grooved the night away to A-list bands. Blink 182, Major Lazer, and Migos were all set to headline the greatest music festival. Oh, let’s not forget supermodels would be in attendance.

McFarland 28, never paid the bands who subsequently canceled their appearance. Ticket holders were taken to Great Exuma, not Norman’s Cay by tugboats. Eco-friendly luxury bungalow’s and lavish villas could not be found. Instead, guests were provided emergency FEMA hurricane tents and port o potties. The cuisine was representative of LaGuardia Airport’s menu, circa 1980. Disgruntled millennials were treated to cheese sandwiches in foam containers. Billy Boy McFarland is currently serving 6 years in prison for mail and wire fraud along with forfeiture of 26 million dollars in restitution payments.

His partner, rapper Ja Rule who was once quoted on a conference call, “Fyre Festival wasn’t a fraud, it was more like false advertising” is looking to shed the huckster moniker and redeem himself. The hip-hop impresario has set his sights on Rye, NY for a one-day music festival on July 13th, 2019. Frye Festival 2 will provide no housing, but has struck a deal with Metro-North to run trains every six minutes from Grand Central express to Rye. Rule, 42 also has signed contracts with Patisserie Salzburg to provide flaxseed muffins, Bareburger for burgers and fries (sweet potato 50 cents extra) and Water Moon for General Tso’s Chicken, yes brown rice is an additional charge.

100,000 millennials with poor manners and ironic t-shirts will descend upon Rye Town Park on July 13th. Let’s get Fyred up Rye.

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